Our favorite girl is back on TV and we couldn’t be more excited! When last season’s final episode of The Bachelor aired, I was more than disappointed, but at the same token, I was hopeful. Even though I really believe Ben is a wonderful man and I was absolutely rooting for JoJo to win his heart, a part of me still felt like she liked the more ‘rugged/rough’ type. So when he chose Lauren, of course, I was upset because “HOW COULD HE EVER?” Anyway, I figured JoJo would be the next Bachelorette— actually, there was really no doubt in my mind. She was such a crowd favorite! Plus, her mother absolutely stole America’s heart while downing down that champagne bottle. Classic!
Before the show began, I was so excited for JoJo because I figured the Producers, who obviously love her so much, must have chosen an incredible group of guys for her. But, I was deeply, deeply disappointed. What the hell kind of group was that last night? I find it really sad that for the sake of gaining rapid ratings, they bring in a bunch of losers who just want media attention. Come on people! This JoJo we are talking about here! tsk. tsk.
In true Olivia fashion, we’ll be judgy and go all Regina George on these fellas. So, as per usual, we will group them in different categories. Let’s begin…
Evan | 33 | Erectile Dysfunction Expert | 5’11
Oh hey, I’m getting flashbacks of Russell from True Blood right now. This guy just gives me the creeps. Can we talk about how he went from being a Pastor to a penis doctor? LOL. Oh, and let’s not even go over his bio questions. I can’t even.
This guy is what nightmares are made of. Anyway, moving on…
Luke | 31 | War Vet | 6’1
Can we just take a pair of clippers and shave off that awful hairstyle all these guys are flaunting this season? It’s like the signature ‘douchebag’ look and I CANNOT stand it. So Luke is from Texas and says he’s all country and wants to be the new Prince farming, but sorry— country men don’t wear tight ass pants with an overload of gel in your mane. At least she got a pair of fabulous cowboy boots out of it. Sit down, faux-farmer. NEXT!!!
He looks like a younger, more “feminine” version of Tom Cruise
Vinny |28 | Barber | 6’0
He lost me at Vinny. Period. Well, to be perfectly honest, he never sparked my interest in the first place. He looked like the type that would get plastered on night 1. Sure enough, my senses were on point. Hopefully he can give these ‘equivocados’ a haircut before he leaves. Bye Vinny.
Brandon | 28 | hipster | 6’4 —ELIMINATED (Ep 2)
He put hipster as his job title. Enough said.
Daniel | 31 | Male Model | 6’1
Dammmmmm Daniel, you SUCK. #ByeDaniel
Chad | 28 | Luxury Real Estate Agent | 6’2
I had to put Chad in his own category because, he was my favorite, even though he’s apparently the group villain. Yes, he’s trouble and he has a temper but so what? He looks like the type that can fix his own truck and change his oil, unlike these Hybrid-driving looking hippies of a bunch. #sorrynotsorry #teamBeard
On a more sour note, his bio is absolutely depressing. Please stop quoting Matthew McConaughey — three times is far too many. You tried to be cool and suave, but you kind of came out looking obnoxious in that bio. It was not cute nor funny.
Anyway, Chad is also in my top list of Potential Contenders. I do believe he will get far in the game. He knows how to play it well. Except for these fights he gets into. Not smart man!
Let’s talk about the ones we forgot already…
Chase | 27 | Real Estate Consultant | 6’2 —ELIMINATED (ep 1)
James F. | 34 |Boxing Club Owner | 6’2
Jonathan | 29 | Technical Sales Rep | 6’1 —ELIMINATED (ep 1)
Sal | 28 | Operations Manager | 6’2 —ELIMINATED (ep 1)
Chase | 27 | Medical Sales Rep | 6’3
Jake | 27 | Landscape Architect | 6’1 —ELIMINATED (ep 1)
THE GEEK SQUAD
Peter | 26 | Staffing Agency Manager | 5’11 —ELIMINATED
Will | 28 | Civil Engineer | 6’2 (1/2) —ELIMINATED (Ep 2)
James Taylor | 29 | Singer-Songwriter | 6’2
This guy and his guitar. What a sweetie pie! He is such a nice guy. I’m so sad because I know he’s going to be heartbroken. But heartbreak makes for great music— look at Adele & Taylor Swift. Go JT!
Nick S. | 26 | Software Salesman | 6’1 –ELIMINATED
He’s actually wearing a neck bandana. Poor thing. This isn’t 1995. I’m surprised to see this choice of outfit, seeing as he dressed so sharp in his video. Anyway, he has a striking resemblance to Chris Hemsworth. Definitely not in this picture, but certainly on the show and in the group shot.
James S. | 27 | Bachelor Superfan | 6’1 —ELIMINATED (Ep 2)
You know, sometimes you wonder if some of these guys are here for the girl or for the guys? James S is no exception to this theory. First of all, you call yourself a bachelor superfan, yet you have no idea who the first Bachelor was? Sit down. It’s like saying you’re a Britney Spears fanatic but you don’t know what kind of reptile she danced around onstage with while singing ‘I’m a slave for you’. You’re a fake and I’m pretty convinced you like men. #LetsBeFriends
Robby | 27 | Former Competitive Swimmer | 6’1
Does he not remind you of a blonder, more polished version of Russell Brand? I totally see it. Anyway, he’s kind of a creeper and he was totally drunk. Plus, he looks like he would date my gay bff. #GetItRobby
Jordan | 27 | Former Pro Quarterback | 6’2
I don’t know how I feel about Jordan. It’s like watching Shawn B all over again (from Kaitlyn’s season)— and he was never really my favorite. However, I’m pretty positive he’s the guy that is making it to the final round.
JoJo & Jordan forever.
Christian | 26 | Telecom Consultant | 5’11
I’m totally Team Christian! I really think he’s one of the good guys! I don’t think he’ll get to the final round or anywhere near it, but he’ll be around for a bit and I’m so happy! He seems like a wonderful, family-oriented man. Good for him! I hope his brothers are proud.
Nick B. | 33 | Electrical Engineer | 6’1
SANTAAAA!!! You know, Santa isn’t all that bad looking. He looks like he’s got that Southern charm working for him. I don’t even know where the hell he’s from but he just looks it. He seems sweet. I like him. Can he be the next Bachelor?
Derek | 29 | Commercial Banker | 6’3
Derek looks like a nice guy. I really do not think he will win, not even hometown or fantasy suite, but he’s got more going for him than half of the other losers… So, I believe he will stick around for a few more weeks, maybe. He reminds me of that funny actor, John Krasinski!! So many doppelgangers this season, I CAN’T TAKE IT!
THE GUYS WHO GET LEFT BEHIND
A list of guys who make it far, but not far enough…
Alex | 25 | US Marine | 5’7
Okay, let me just say, that I’m not the biggest fan of Alex. For one, his height is TRAGIC. Secondly, he’s kind of douch-y. Thirdly, he is TOO YOUNG. But all in all, he’s better than some of the rest, therefore, I have placed him in this list. Not because I think he’ll win, but because I know he still has some time with us until all the irrelevant’s get eliminated.
Grant | 27 | Firefighter | 6’2
I’m sure he will take off his shirt whenever he can. Because firefighters love to do that. We’ve learned that with past show experiences. Hi and Bye.
THE ONE WHO TRIED TOO HARD
He’s wearing pins on his jacket. Need I say more? #ByeFelicia
“EL VAMPIRO DE SANTA MONICA”
Yes, that were my mother’s exact words when she saw Ali. Which literally translates to “The Santa Monica Vampire” lmao. She kills me.
He plays the piano beautifully but that’s really all he’s got going for him. He’s short and hairy and not at all JoJo’s type. You don’t go from Ben to this. Not now, not ever. Not JoJo.
I think the photos speak for themselves. Now I miss Ben and based on these contestants, JoJo’s mother might be downing multiple bottles of champagne on Mondays.